Doki Doki Literature Club: Game Grumps Edition
by thetiniestlifeboats
Summary: FriendArin is a potato-loving, flirty bastard coerced into joining the Literature Club by his best friend Sayori. There he finds the club to be populated with four incredibly cute girls! There's Sayori, his FWB with tiny hands; Natsuki, an angry child with a penchant for mangos and toddler toys; Yuri, a gassy girl who reads Clifford the Big Red Dog; and Monika, an alien robot.
1. Join the Club!

**A/N: So I was just having some fun with something. This is a written story version of the Game Grumps DDLC playthrough. The playthrough is hilarious. I highly recommend. If you have not yet watched it, go do so! This will probably make zero sense if you have not watched the playthrough on youtube. They haven't gotten to any of the serious stuff yet, so I'm not sure how the story will turn. Sorry if there are any jokes they make that seem insensitive because of what happens later, but all of those are pure accidents because one of them still thinks it is a normal dating game. Each chapter will be one episode. Remember as you read that none of this comes from my brain. You don't even have to read it. I did this mostly for myself. But if you have watched the playthrough, or if you haven't and want to be very confused, please enjoy! This is very low effort. Rated M for strong language and sexual references.**

"'Heeeeeeeyyy!'"

"I see an annoying girl running towards me from the distance, waving her arms in the air like she's totally oblivious to any attention she might draw to herself. That girl is Sayori, my neighbor and good friend since we were children. You know, the kind of friend you'd never see yourself making today, but it just kind of works out because you've known each other for so long? We used to walk to school together on days like this, but starting around high school she would oversleep more and more frequently, and I would get tired of waiting up. I mean sleep over, not oversleep. Sorry I misspoke. But if she's going to chase after me like this, I almost feel better off running away. However, I just sigh and idle in front of the crosswalk and let Sayori catch up to me.

"As I say all of this out loud, a man carrying a briefcase walking by inches away from me. 'What the fuck?' I hear him mutter under his breath.

"'Haaaah…..haaaah…. I overslept again!' Ugh. Typical Sayori. 'But I caught you this time! Stop talking about me loudly!'

"'Maybe, but only because I decided to stop and wait for you,' I say to her.

"'Eeehhhhh, you say that like you were thinking about ignoring me!' Sayori whines.

"'Get bigger hands!' I yell. Sayori's hands are just so tiny. She is currently touching her index fingers together to form a pyramid.

"'This is what a tiny house roof would be!' She announces. Suddenly Sayori has a realization. 'Where's my nose?! So many questions… That's mean, FriendArin!'

"I roll my eyes. 'Well, if people stare at you for acting weird then I don't want them to think we're a couple or something.'

"'A couple of what? A couple of tiny hands?' It takes Sayori a second to understand. 'Fine, fine,' she finally says, 'I made this vest out of dragon scales!'

"I look at her orange vest more closely. 'It looks like a fish.'

"Sayori ignores me. 'But you did wait for me, after all. I guess you don't have it in you to be mean even if you want to -'

"'Whatever you say, bitch!' Sayori starts to cry at my insult.

"'I'm going to go home and oversleep!' She announces, but quickly recovers. 'Ehehe~'

"We cross the street together and make our way to school. As we draw near, the streets become increasingly speckled with other students making their daily commute. Sayori suddenly turns to me and asks, 'By the way, FriendArin, have you decided on a club to join yet?'

"'Yeah, the Get-Away-From-Sayori Club,' I mutter under my breath. I ask out loud, 'A club?'

"'How about B Club?' Sayori suggests.

"I shake my head. 'I told you already, I'm really not interested in joining any clubs. I haven't been looking either.'

"'Eh? That's not true!' She shouts. While saying that, Sayori seems to sink into the ground.

"'Why did you sink for a second?' I ask.

"'Eh? Help! I'm standing in quicksand! And my tiny, supple hands are useless for pulling me up! They're like daggers!' She then suddenly seems to forget about her current danger. 'You told me you would join a club this year! You lied to me.'

"'Did I…? I'm sure it's possible I did, in one of our many conversations where I dismissively go along with whatever she's going on about,' I accidentally say out loud again.

"'Why would you say that? Join the Fish Vest Club! You'll love it!'

"Sayori likes to worry a little bit too much about me, when I'm perfectly content just getting by on the average while spending my free time on games and anime.

"'Uh huh! I was talking about how I'm worried that you won't learn how to socialize or have any skills before college.'

"'Fuck you!'

"'Never mind, your social skills are great,' Sayori mumbles. 'Your happiness is really important to me, you know! And I know you're happy now, but I'd die at the thought of you becoming a NEET in a few years because you're not used to the real world!'

"'I don't know what that is. I used to know… Ugh now I have to look up what a NEET is!' I pull out my phone and Google it. While I'm doing this, Sayori keeps talking.

"'You trust me, right? Don't make me keep worrying about you… You fucking NEET!'

"'Alright, alright,' I decided to calm her down. 'I'll look at a few clubs if it makes you happy.' I pull my club out of my backpack. 'This one's big and made of wood.' I'm worried NEET means something along the lines of 'An offensive slur for an Italian' because Sayori has a history of insensitive language. 'No promises though.'

"'Will you at least promise me you'll try a little?' Sayori is still slowly sinking into the random patch of quicksand in the sidewalk. I finally decide that NEET must be an acronym for Not Educated Especially Today. 'Yeah I guess I'll promise you that.' I finally pull Sayori out of the quicksand.

"'Yaay!' Why do I let myself get lectured by such a carefree girl? 'Not Every Elephant Touches! That's what NEET stands for!' Sayori tells me. Well I guess I was wrong. But that makes no sense. Anyway, more than that, I'm surprised I even let myself relent to her. I guess seeing her worry so much about me makes me want to ease her mind at lease a little bit - even if she does exaggerate everything inside of her head.

"The school day is as ordinary as ever, and it's over before I know it. Also, no one showed up today. Why'd I come here? It's really lonely in here. After I pack up my things, I stare blankly at the wall because there's nothing else to do - all the paper's blank too - looking for an ounce of motivation. 'Cluuubs…' Sayori wants me to check out some clubs. 'Cluuubs…' I guess I have no choice but to start with the amine club.

"'Hellooo?'

"'Sayori…?' Sayori must have come into the classroom while I was spacing out.

"'How did you not see me come in? I'm like literally the only other person in this building.'

"I simply answer with 'Cluuubs…' I look around and realize that I'm the only one left in the classroom. But I was also the only one in the classroom today, so that doesn't really matter.

"'I thought I'd catch you coming out of the classroom, but I saw you just sitting here and spacing out so I came in. Honestly, you're even worse than me sometimes… I'm impressed! Ahahaha! Now wake up!' She slaps me with her tiny hand.

"'Ow! It's like a needle! It's like a quarter with five toothpicks taped to it! You don't need to wait on me if it'll make you late to your own club.'

"'Well, I thought you might need some encouragement, so I thought, you know… Smack!'

"'Know what?'

"'Well, that you could come to my club!'

"'Is it the Lame Girl Club? Tiny Hand Club?'

"'IT IS! Join it, won't ya?'

"'...There's no way I'm going to your club.'

"'Eeeehhhhh?! Meanie!' There she goes again with her tiny finger pyramid. 'I'm going into my tiny house with the tiny roof…' she mumbles.

"Sayori is also vice president of the Literature Club. Not that I was ever aware that she had any interest in literature. In fact, I'm 99% sure she only did it because she thought it would be fun to help start a new club. Since she was the first one to show interest after the one who proposed the club, she inherited the title 'Vice President'. She's also head of the No-Nose-Sweating-Profusely-From-The-Face Club. She's very involved with the school. That said, my interest in literature is guaranteed to be even less. 'Yeah, I'm going to the anime club.'

"'C'mon, please? Please?' Her 'please' is just so small and cute, it tempts me a little. 'Please?'

"'Why do you care so much, anyway?'

"'Well… I kind of told the club yesterday I would bring in a new member… And you're just the member I'm looking for-' she cuts herself off as if trying to hide what she just said. 'And Natsuki made cupcakes and everything… Ehehe…'

"'Don't make promises you can't keep!'

"'Ehehehe…' I can't tell if Sayori is really that much of an airhead, or if she's so cunning as to have planned all of this out. I let out a long sigh.

"'Fine… I'll stop by for a cupcake, okay?'

"'Yes! Let's go~'

"And thus, today marks the day sold my soul for a cupcake. I dejectedly follow Sayori across the school and upstairs - a section of the school I rarely visit, being generally used for third-year classes and activities. The school, as always, is speckled with ghosts and other non existent students. Sayori, full of energy, swings open the classroom door.

"'Everyone!' she announces. She regards the empty room. 'Everyone…?' But she continues talking. 'The new member is here!'

"'I told you, don't call me a new member…' Eh? I glance around the room.

"Out of nowhere, a tall purple haired girl appears. 'Welcome to the Literature Club. It's a pleasure meeting you. Sayori always says nice things about you.'

"Then another smaller, pink haired girl appears. 'Seriously? You brought a boy? Way to kill the atmosphere.'

"Once again another girl appears. This one I recognize. 'AH! FRIENDARIN! WHAT A NICE SURPRISE! WELCOME TO THE CLUB!' Monika announces in her best game show host voice.

"'...' I don't know what to say. All words escape me in this situation. 'This club… is full of incredibly cute girls!' Shouldn't have said that out loud. Thankfully no one seemed to hear me. Or at least, they ignored it.

"'What are you looking at?' The pink one asks. 'If you want to say something, say it.'

"'S-Sorry,' I stammer.

"'Natsuki…' the tall one interjects.

"'Hmph!' The girl with the sour attitude, whose name is apparently Natsuki, is one I don't recognize. Her small figure makes me think she's probably a first-year. She is also the one who made cupcakes, according to Sayori. It's going to be tough to extricate these cupcakes, but I'll fucking figure something out.

"'You can just ignore her when she gets moody~" Sayori says that quietly into my ear, then turns back toward the other girls. 'Anyway! This is Natsuki, always full of energy. And this is Yuri, the smartest in the club!'

"'D-Don't say things like that…' Yuri, who appears comparably more mature and timid, seems to have a hard time keeping up with people like Sayori and Natsuki.

"'Ah… Well, it's nice to meet both of you.'

"'And it sounds like you already know Monika, is that right?' Sayori asks.

"'THAT'S RIGHT! IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN FRIENDARIN.' Suddenly, Monika coughs and out of her mouth slides a voicebox. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, a lot of people think Monika is some kind of alien robot. I'm not fully convinced though.

"'Great to see you again FriendArin,' she says again, this time in her normal voice, which sounds like a text to voice thing you can find online.


	2. Robobabes

**A/N: Reminder that none of these ideas are from my head. They all belong to Dan Salvato and Team Salvato, and the Game Grumps YouTube channel.**

"'It's great to see you again, FriendArin,' Monika says robotically. She smiles sweetly. We do know each other - well, we rarely talked, but we were in the same class last year. She would say things like '...Processing…'

"'Wow Monika, how do you get your hair to stay like that all the time?' I ask, noticing that her hair is in a perpetual curl from her head, defying gravity. It looks good, but I've always wanted to know how she managed it.

"'Much gel and motor oil was required,' she responds. Monika was probably the most popular girl in class - smart, beautiful, athletic, and smart! Basically, completely out of my league. So having her smile at me so genuinely feels a little…

"'Y-You too, Monika,' I say to her first statement.

"Sayori pulls on my arm. 'Come sit down, FriendArin! We made room for you at the table, so you can sit next to me… or Monika.' Sayori doesn't seem too thrilled at the thought of me sitting next to Monika. 'I'll get the cupcakes~'

"'Hey! I made them, I'll get them!" Natsuki cries.

"'Sorry, I got a little too excited~' Sayori apologizes. 'Finger pyramid of evil contemplation,' she mumbles under her breath.

"Yuri stands. 'Then, how about I make some tea as well?' She asks in a voice that is way deeper than mine. The girls have a few desks arranged to form a table. Like Sayori said there is one space next to her, and one space next to Monika. I hear a voice in my head announce 'CHOOSE YOUR FATE FOR THE NEXT THIRTY YEARS!' I still feel a little awkward, so I take the seat next to Sayori. Natsuki and Yuri walk over to the corner of the room, where Natsuki grabs a wrapped tray and Yuri opens the closet door. Natsuki proudly marches back to the table, tray in hand.

"'Okaaay, are you ready?' Natsuki says, 'Three...two...one… Hide-and-Seek!' Natsuki closes her eyes as if she is waiting for us to hide. A few seconds pass and Monika, Sayori, and I look around at each other confusedly. Eventually, Natsuki opens her eyes, realizing we aren't playing along. She brushes off her disappointment and reveals her cupcakes. 'Ta-daa!'

"Sayori jumps in surprise. 'Uwooooah!' On the tray are a dozen white, fluffy cupcakes decorated to look like little cats. The whiskers are drawn with icing, and little pieces of chocolate were used to make ears. Just trust me, that's what they look like. 'So cuuuute~!' Sayori squeals.

"'I had no idea you were so good at baking, Natsuki!' Monika compliments mechanically.

"Natsuki stands with a smug smile. 'Ehehe. Well, you know.' Wait a second… does Natsuki have a tiny green tooth all of a sudden? I squint my eyes. She really does. Why? Why? Why is that? 'Just hurry up and take one,' she continues. Sayori grabs one first, then Monika, I follow, then this guy named Fred. 'I'll eat one of these cupcakes after I'm finished eating this single pea that is attached to the roof of my mouth!' Natsuki tells us. 'I just can't get rid of it!'

"'It's delicious!' Sayori exclaims, mouth full. She has already managed to get icing on her face. I turn the cupcake around in my fingers, looking for the best angle to take a bite. Natsuki keeps sneaking glances in my direction. She must be waiting for me to take a bite. I finally bite down. The icing is sweet and full of flavor - I wonder if she made it herself. It's clearly poisoned. 'This is really good. Thank you, Natsuki,' I manage to get out through the foam that is leaking from my mouth. She might have been trying to kill me, but she makes a damn fine cupcake. Once the convulsions stop, the feeling of imminent dread passes. She must not have put in a high enough dosage to actually kill me.

"'W-Why are you thanking me? It's not like I…!' _Haven't I heard this somewhere before?_ '...made them for you or anything.' A typical tsundere thing to say.

"'Eh? I thought you technically did. Sayori said-' Natsuki cuts me off. 'Well maybe! But not for you, you know, dummy!'

"'Alright, alright, geez.' I give up on Natsuki's weird logic and dismiss the conversation. Yuri returns to the table, finally realizing we aren't playing hide-and-seek so there is no reason for her to hide in the closet anymore. She is carrying a tea set. She carefully places a teacup in front of each of us before setting down the teapot next to the cupcake tray.

"I say, 'You keep a whole tea set in this classroom?' in a flawless impersonation of Yuri's voice.

"'Don't worry, the teachers gave us permission.' Yuri seems not to notice. I feel a little bad though.

"'Sorry I did an impression of you just a second ago,' I say.

"'Was it accurate?' She asks, then quickly moves on without giving me space to answer. 'After all, doesn't a hot cup of tea help you enjoy a good book?'

"'Ah… I-I guess…' Why does kinda one of Yuri's nips show through that jacket, but definitely not the other one? Maybe it's just how it's shaded. If that's the case then I look like a fucking creeper now.

"'Insert human laughter. Don't let yourself get intimidated, Yuri's just trying to impress you,' Monika explains.

"'Eh?! T-That's not…' Insulted, Yuri looks away. 'What's over here? I meant that, you know…'

"I reassure her. 'I believe you… hehe, NOT,' I mumble that second part under my breath. 'Well, tea and reading might not be a pastime for me, but I at least enjoy tea.'

"'I'm glad.'

"'Are you?'

"Yuri smiles faintly to herself in relief. 'Oh thank god…' I hear her mutter.

"Monika raises an eyebrow, then smiles at me. Or at least, what the equivalent of smiling would be. Although I don't fully believe the rumors about her, she definitely has the robot look to her. 'So, what made you consider the Literature Club? My programming tells me that if I start a sentence with so, it seems more human.'

"'Um…' I was afraid of this question. Something tells me I shouldn't tell Monika that I was practically dragged here by Sayori. 'Well, I haven't joined any clubs yet, and Sayori seemed really happy here, so…'

"'That's okay! Don't be embarrassed! We'll make sure you feel right at home, okay? As president of the Literature Club, it's my duty to make the club fun and exciting for everyone! The club is setup to make incredible, logical sense.'

"'Monika, I'm surprised. How come you decided to start your own club? You could probably be a board member for any of the major clubs. Weren't you a leader of the Debate Club last year? Wait, and weren't you a leader of the Robots Anonymous Club last year?'

"'I know not of what you speak.' She then speaks directly into her watch, 'He knows too much. He can see.' She turns back to me and laughs, 'Ahaha, well, you know… To be honest, I can't stand all the politics around the major clubs. It feels like nothing but arguing about the budget and publicity and how to prepare for events… I'd much rather take something I personally enjoy-personally enjoy-enjoy-is that the word-enjoy-enjoy-proper word and make something special out of it. And if it encourages others to get into literature, then I'm fulfilling that dream-that dream! I am 8.5% pleased with my statement.' That doesn't seem like a high percentage.

"Sayori pipes in, 'Monika really is a great leader!' I notice that Sayori and Monika's hands are touching. Hello! 'You're a great teacher…' Sayori says directly to Monika. Whoa.

"'Yuri adds, 'I also nod in agreement.'

"'Then I'm surprised there aren't more people in the club yet. It must be hard to start a new club!'

"Monika raises her arm sharply. 'You could put it that way. There is a difficulty of 86.8%. Not many humans are interested in putting out all the effort to start something brand new… Especially when it's something that doesn't grab your attention, like literature. I read this last book in eight minutes. You have to work hard to convince people that you're both fun and worthwhile. I really read the book in eight seconds, but I said minutes to make me seem more human. But it makes school events, like the festival, that much more important. I'm confidant that we can all really grow this club before we graduate! Right, everyone?'

"'Yeah!' Sayori gives her enthusiastic support.

"'We'll do our best,' Yuri adds with markedly less enthusiasm.

"'You know it!' Natsuki says.

"I regard the four incredibly cute girls in front of me. Such different girls, all interested in the same goal… This is my fucking dream fourgy I'm looking at right now. Then I think, wouldn't it be a 'fivegy' if I were involved? Uhhhh… I didn't even think of myself being involved, I just thought of them going at it, and I'd watch on VHS. Yeah, I rent VHS tapes from my local pornographic shop. Though I still don't really know if I can keep up with their level of enthusiasm about literature… They seem really excited about literature.

"Yuri starts talking. 'So, FriendArin, what kinds of things do you like to read?'

"'Uhh… well… uh…' Considering how little I've read over the past few years, I don't really have a good answer to that. 'Manga…' I mutter quietly to myself, half-joking. Natsuki's head suddenly perks up. It looks like she wants to say something…

"'MANGA IS THE DEVIL'S WORK!' she exclaims. Everyone just ignores her.

"'N-Not much of a reader, I guess…'

"'Well, that can change…' I spoke without thinking. 'I'm just really glad to be here staring at your clubs, I mean, joining your club,' I say, forcing myself to look at her face and not her massive breasts. 'Anyway, what about you, Yuri?'

"'Well, let's see… Manga mostly.' Yuri traces the rim of her teacup with her finger. 'My favorites are usually novels that build deep and complex fantasy worlds. The level of creativity and craftsmanship behind them is amazing to me. You ever read _Clifford the Big Red Dog_? And telling a god story in such a foreign world is equally impressive. You ever read _Clifford Goes to School_? That was a real foreign world for him.' Yuri goes on, clearly passionate about her reading. She seemed so reserved and timid since the moment I walked in, but it's obvious by the way her eyes light up that she finds her comfort in the world of books, not people. She continues, 'But, you know, I like a lot of things. Like _Clifford Makes a Friend_. Stories with deep psychological elements usually immerse me as well. Isn't it amazing how a writer can so deliberately take advantage of your own lack of imagination to completely throw you for a loop? Just like in _Clifford 2: The Revenge_. Anyway, I've been reading a lot of horror lately. Like _Clifford 3…_ ' Something stops her from finishing the whole title.

"'Ah, I read a horror book once…' I desperately grasp something I can relate to at the minimal level. 'It was _Where the Wild Things Are._ It's about these monsters on an island…' At this rate, Yuri might as well be having a conversation with a rock.

"Yuri acts like she needs to leave. 'Anyway, I'm going to go write my Clifford x Sonic fanfiction.'


	3. Cool, A Writing Assignment

"So Yuri now knows I'm an idiot. Kinda blew it with her a bit. And now Monika has joined the conversation. But she can't sense human emotion because I think she's a robot.

"'Really? I wouldn't have expected that, Yuri,' Monika says, 'For someone as gentle as you…'

"'I guess you could say that,' Yuri replies, 'But if a story makes me think or takes me to another world, then I really can't put it down. Surreal horror is often very successful at changing the way you look at the world, if only for a brief moment.'

"Natsuki pops up. 'Ugh, I hate horror…'

"'Oh? Why's that?' Yuri asks.

"''Cause it's scary,' Natsuki eyes dart over to me for a split second. She says, 'Never mind.'

"'That's right, you usually like to write about cute things, don't you, Natsuki?' Monika asks.

"'W-What? What gives you that idea?'

"'You left a piece of scrap paper behind last club meeting. It looked like you were working on a poem called-'

"'Don't say it out loud! And give that back!'

"'Fine, fine-' Monika concedes, completely emotionless. 'Processing...fine.'

"Sayori finally joins the conversation. 'Ehehe, your cupcakes, your poems… Everything you do is just as cute as you are~'

"'SHUT THE FUCK UP!' Natsuki squeals.

"Sayori ignores Natsuki's outbursts. 'I'm going to sidle up behind you…' Sayori sidles up behind Natsuki and puts her hands on her shoulders. 'I'm going to put my hands on your shoulders…' Sayori continues narrating.

"' _I'm not cute!'_ Natsuki once again protests.

"'Natsuki, you write your own poems?' I ask.

"'Cute shoulders…' Sayori mumbles.

"'Well I guess sometimes. Why do you care?'

"'I think that's impressive. Why don't you share them sometime?'

"'N-No!' Natsuki averts her eyes. 'You wouldn't… like them… when they're angry…'

"'Ah… not a very confident writer yet?'

"Natsuki looks offended. 'No, I was just starting to tell you my poem. Fuck you.'

"'I understand how Natsuki feels,' I hear Yuri but can't see her. 'I'm over here now.' Oh. She was just standing on the other side of Natsuki where Sayori was. 'Sharing that level of writing takes more than just confidence. The truest form of writing is writing to oneself. I wish I was Clifford the Big Red Dog. You must be willing to open up to your readers, exposing your vulnerabilities and showing even the deepest reaches of your heart. For example, on the inside you might be a giant dog with a big ol' dog heart. And maybe you're red. I don't know, that's just off the top of my head.'

"'Do you have experience writing too, Yuri?' Monika asks, 'Maybe if you share some of your work, you can set an example and help Natsuki feel comfortable enough to share hers.'

"A single bead of sweat runs down Yuri's face. 'Dot...dot dot.'

"I suddenly see what looks to be a tiny monster hiding behind Yuri's foot. He seems to be relishing the awkwardness of the moment. He's kind of cute.

"'I guess it's the same for Yuri…' I chime in.

"'Aww… I wanted to read everyone's poems…' Sayori sounds so defeated. We all sit in silence for a moment. It's wildly uncomfortable. But then Monika EXPLODES through the TV! 'Okay!' she says calmly as if nothing happened. 'I have an idea, everyone~'

"'...?' Nat and Yuri don't say. Natsuki and Yuri look quizzically at Monika.

"'Let's all go home and write a poem of our own! Then, next time we meet, we'll all share them with each other. That way, everyone is even!' This is fucking hot.

"'U-Um…' Natsuki doesn't seem too thrilled at the idea.

"Yuri says nothing. There it is! The little monster guy is back. He growls, but it's not intimidating.

"Sayori jumps up. 'Yeaaah! Let's do it!'

"Plus, now that we have a new member, I think it will help us all get a little more comfortable with each other, and strengthen the bond of the club,' Monika continues. 'Let me just crinkle my neck for a second.' Her head turns to an unnatural angle. 'Processing… Processing pain… Receiving pain… Ow… In order to distract you from thinking that I am a robot and not a hu-man, please write poetry. I will not Google poetry and bring in a printed out copy of someone else's work. Isn't that right, FriendArin?' Monika smiles warmly at me once again. Or at least an approximation of what smiling might look like. It's very uncanny valley.

"'Hold on… there's still one problem,' I say.

"'Eh? What's that?'

"'Where's the beeeers?' No one seemed to appreciate my humor. Now that we're back to the original topic of me joining the club, I bluntly come forth with what's been on my mind the entire time. 'Where's the blunt? I never said I would join this club!' There is a collective gasp from the girls. 'Sayori may have convinced me to stop by, but I never made any decision. I'm just here for the cupcakes and the hot, nasty tats.' Maybe I should work on my phrasing. I try again. 'I'm here for the cupcakes and the multi-colored hair!' Yeah that was good. 'I still have other clubs to look at, and… um…' I lose my train of thought. All four girls stare back at me with dejected eyes. Aw, that is super sad actually. One by one, they sink into the slowly expanding quicksand.

"'B-But…' Monika sinks.

"'I'm sorry, I thought…' Then Yuri.

"'WE'RE ALL SINKING!' Natsuki seems to be the only one aware of the present danger. 'HEEEEELP!'

"'Y-You all…' I… I'm defenseless against these girls. How am I supposed to make a clear headed decision when it's like this? I HATE GIRLS! That is, if writing poems is the price I need to pay in order to spend every day with these beautiful girls… '...Right. Okay, I've decided, then. I'll join the Literature Club. Now rise!' At that, all four girls rise from the quicksand, which disappears as quickly as it appeared. One by one, the girl's eyes light up. First Monika's left eye, then her right eye.

"'Lighting right eye… Wait… Only a figure of expression.'

"Sayori wraps her arms around me, jumping up and down.

"'H-Hey-' I say, although I can't say I wasn't enjoying it.

"'You really did scare me for a moment…' Yuri breathes a sigh of relief.

"'If you really just came for the cupcakes, I would be super pissed,' Natsuki warns.

"Monika's position changes and her stationary ponytail flies right into Natsuki's face. 'Then that makes it official! Eat my hair. Eat…' Natsuki tries to speak, but her mouth is full of Monika's hair. Monika turns back to me. 'Welcome to the Literature Club!'

"'Ah… thanks, I guess.'

"'Okay, everyone! Vanish!' Suddenly at Monika's words, everyone else is gone! I hear a beam sound. Monika continues normally, 'I think with that, we can officially end today's meeting on a good note. Everyone remember tonight's assignment. Write a poem to bring to the next meeting, so we can all share!' Monika looks over at me once more. 'FriendArin, I look forward to seeing how you express yourself. Ehehehehehehehehehe, tilda.'

"'Y-Yeah…' That's all I can say. Can I really impress the class star Monika with my mediocre writing skills? I can already feel the anxiety welling up inside me. Meanwhile, the girls, suddenly back, continue to chit-chat as Yuri and Natsuki clean up their food.

"'Hey, FriendArin, since we're already here, do you want to walk home together?' Sayori pops up in front of me. That's right - Sayori and I never walk home together anymore because she always stayed after school for clubs. Stupid clubs, that no one would ever want to join.

"'Sure, might as well. What better shit do I have to do?'

"'Yaay~'

"'Hang out with your stupid ass…'

"'Yaay~'

"With that, the two of us depart the clubroom and make our way home. The whole way, my mind wanders back and forth between the four girls: Sayori, Natsuki, Yuri, and Robot! Will I really be happy spending every day after school in a Literature Club? Perhaps I'll have the chance to grow closer to one of these girls… Perhaps I'll have the choice to grow closer to one of these girls… I'll just need to make the most of my circumstances, and I'm sure good fortune will find me. And I guess that starts with writing a poem tonight…

"I sit at my desk and get out my favorite pen from my backpack. I'd hate to lose a pen like this one. Maybe if one of the girls like my poem, we can smash. Hmm… I just need to figure out who I'd like to smash the most. I'll go with Sayori because I already know her muff is hot. I put my pen to paper and get to writing.

 _Wonderful_

 _Incongruent_

 _Breathe_

 _Color_

 _Bouncy_

 _Promise_

 _Papa_

 _Giggle_

 _Whistle_

 _Parfait_

 _Nightgown_

 _Embrace_

 _Bliss_

 _Climax_

 _Puppy_

 _Awesome_

 _Unrequited_

 _Party_

 _Vertigo_

 _Boop_

"I admire my wonderful poem of twenty words. Looking back over the poem, I think maybe it would appeal to Natsuki more than Sayori. Oh well.

"Next day, I walk into the Literature Club after school. Monika greets me with a friendly mechanical expression. 'Hello again, FriendArin! Glad to see you didn't run away on us. Ha. Ha. Ha. This is _Day Two_.'


	4. In the Closet

**A/N: It's finally back! I'm really sorry for the late update. I just got a job, so with that on top of school I've barely had any time to do this. But I will try to be more frequent with posts from now on!** _ **Code word: try**_

 **Monika stands in front of me. Why is her skirt always blowing up? There's no draft in this room. And why is her hair always blowing up? And it's like she hasn't 3D printed the rest of her arms yet. I hear scanning noises as her arm grows. There are a lot of questions I have about this girl.**

"Don't worry," I say to her, "This might be a little strange for me, but I at least keep my word." Well, I'm back at the Literature Club. I was the last to come in, so everyone else is already hanging out.

"Thanks for keeping your promise, FriendArin," Yuri says. "I hope this isn't too overwhelming of a commitment for you. Making you dive headfirst into literature when you're not accustomed to it… Geez, what were we thinking? Why didn't we just push you off a cliff? We really forced you into this situation, huh?" Yuri seems genuinely distressed.

Natsuki rolls her eyes. "Oh, come on! Like he deserves any slack. Sayori told me you didn't even want to join any clubs this year. And last year too. You're such a clubless bitch! I don't know if you plan to just come here and hang out, or what… But if you don't take us seriously, then you won't see the end of it." What does that mean?

"Natsuki, you certainly have a big mouth for someone who keeps her manga collection in the clubroom," Monika says.

"M-M-M…!" Natsuki finds herself stuck between saying "Monika" and "Manga." "And those are mang _oes_."

"Processing… Indeed, I have made an error. Ironic, that I make an error in the Literature Club about a word."

"Manga is literature!" Natsuki defends her literary tastes. Swiftly defeated, Natsuki plops back into her seat. I think she popped.

"Don't worry guys," Sayori reassures, "FriendArin always gives it his best as long as he's having fun."

"I'm not having fun," I tell her. She ignores me.

"He helps me with busywork without me even asking."

"So you'll leave faster."

"Let's help reinflate Natsuki." Sayori works on blowing Natsuki back up while continuing her train of thought, "Like cooking, cleaning my room…"

"How dependable," Yuri says.

"Sayori, that's because your room is so messy it's distracting, you stupid, fucking idiot. I can't jerk off with all that mess. And you almost set your house on fire once."

"Is that so… Ehehe…" Sayori giggles sheepishly. "I'm a pyromaniac."

Yuri says, "You two are really good friends, aren't you?"

"What gave you that idea?" I ask, confused.

Yuri continues, "I might be a little jealous… I want to set my house on fire."

Sayori says, "How come? You and FriendArin can become good friends too!"

"Y-Yeah! We can become good friends!" I respond, maybe a little too enthusiastically. "S-Sayori-"

"Hmm?"

"Dot dot dot!" I tell her in our secret code language. But she's forgotten it. As usual, Sayori seems oblivious to the weird situation she just put me into.

"We can share a cock! What?" Although I'm not opposed to the idea, Sayori doesn't seem to understand that not everyone thinks about sex in the same way she does. "Oh, oh! Yuri even brought you something today, you know~"'

"W-Wait! Sayori…" Yuri's face starts to sweat.

"Eh? Me?" I ask.

"Um… Not really…"

"Don't be shy~" Sayori urges.

"It's really nothing…"

"What is it?"

This goes on for some time.

"N-Never mind!"

"What is it?"

"Show him!"

"I don't wanna show you…"

"What'd you get me?"

"Why don't you show him?"

"I don't wanna… Sayori made it sound like it's a big deal when it's really not," Yuri fidgets, "Uuuuh, what do I do…"

Sayori finally realizes what she's done. "Eh? I'm sorry Yuri, I wasn't thinking…"

"No you weren't! Get out of here! This isn't the first time you've done this!" Sayori dejectedly slinks away.

I guess that means it's up to me to rescue this situation…

"Hey don't worry about it! I'm sure people get crappy gifts all the time!" That didn't seem to work, so I try something new. "First of all, I wasn't expecting anything in the first place. So any nice gesture from you is a pleasant surprise."

Yuri keeps looking down. "I'm so embarrassed my red embarrassed lines are going over my bangs. My eyes have completely vanished… I can't see I'm so embarrassed."

"It'll make me happy no matter what," I finish.

"Is that so…?"

"Yeah. I won't make it a big deal if you don't want it to be. Unless it's gonorrhea…"

"Maybe I'll stick my boobs out and my butt out." I don't oppose that. "Well here." Yuri reaches into her bag and pulls out a book. "I didn't want you to feel left out. So I picked out a book that I thought you might enjoy. It's _Clifford the Big Red Dog Episode 4: Clifford in Space_ also known as _Clifford X_. It's a short read, so it should keep your attention because you're stupid, even if you don't usually read, you're stupid. And we could you know… discuss it… if you wanted… We could tear out the pages and spread it on your bed and fuck on it. Uh, gah, I'm going to call you Clifford. Is that cool? Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?"

How is this girl accidentally being so cute? She even picked out a book she thinks I'll like, despite me not reading much.

"Huey Lewis had a lot of really good albums. I prefer _Sports_. I think that's his best. His most accomplished album."

Yuri's gone on a tangent, so I bring her back. "Yuri, thank you! I'll definitely read this!" I enthusiastically take the book. "Give me the book!" I yank it out of her hand.

"Whew, that was close… For a minute there, I thought you were going to leave. And you're my Huey. Without you, I'd just be… the News. You can read it whenever. I look forward to hearing what you think."

Now that everyone's settled in, I expected Monika to kick off some scheduled activities for the club, but instead, she's malfunctioning in the corner. Her head's spinning all fast, lasers shooting out of every tip of her fingers.

Having stopped malfunctioning, Monika is now having a cheery conversation with Sayori in the corner. Yuri's face is already buried in a book. I can't help but notice her intense expression, like she was waiting for this chance. Meanwhile, Natsuki's rummaging around in the closet.

"Rummage, rummage, rummage," she mutters out loud while making small monster noises. I hear her mutter an exasperated sigh from within the closet. She seems to be annoyed by something. I approach her, in case she needs a hand. "I lost my hand!" she exclaims.

"You looking for something in there?" I ask.

"Freaking Monika… She never puts my stuff back in the right spot! What's the point of keeping your collection organized if someone else is just going to mess it up?" Natsuki slides a bunch of stacked books and boxes across the shelf.

"Manga…" I don't know why I just said "manga."

"You read manga right?"

"Ah-sometimes…" Manga is one of those things you can't admit you're really into until you figure out where the other person stands. "How did you know, anyway?"

"Because you fucking said it the other day like a bunch of times. Besides, it's kind of written on your face."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It says _Inuyashiki_ on your forehead. Go look in the mirror, idiot."

"I see…" There's a lone volume of manga… mangoes… amidst a stack of various books on the side of one of the shelves. They look juicy and delicious. Curious, I pull it out of the stack.

"There it is!" Natsuki snatches it out of my hand. "Don't touch my shit!" she tells me. She then turns into a box of manga. "Help! AHHHHH! I'm reducing!" Oh so that's where she goes every time she sinks. Another part of her has become a manga. Slowly, she turns back into a human. It must be hard for her to fight this phenomenon. She turns to a box of manga and slips the volume right into the middle of the rest. "Ah, much better! Seeing a box set with one box missing is probably the most irritating sight in the world! Damn this green snaggletooth!"

"I know that feel…" I say, "I watched my grandmother die in front of me."

"Hahahaha wait what? I guess that would be worse than seeing a manga out of place…"

I get a closer look at the box set she's admiring. " _Parfait Girls_?" It's a series I've never heard of in my life. That probably means it's way out of my demographic or it's simply terrible.

"If you're gonna judge, you can go do it through the glass on that door." She points to the classroom door. It's not made of glass.

"Do you want to do it?" I ask. "On the glass on the door? P-Put 'em on the glass?" She doesn't respond, so I move on. "H-Hey, I wasn't judging or anything…! I didn't even say anything."

"It was the tone of your voice."

"I didn't say anything…" I repeat.

"It was the tone of your silence. But I'll tell you one thing, FriendArin. Consider this a lesson straight from the Literature Club: Don't judge a book by its cover! Like, at first I thought you were an asshole, but now I just think you're an idiot! Which informs your assholeness. In fact," Natsuki pulls the first volume of _Parfait Girls_ from the box. "I'm going to show you exactly why!" She shoves the book right into my hands.

"Ah… What the fuck is this thing?" I stare at the cover. It says _Parfait Girls_. "This computer's broken. Why aren't the words changing? It's made of paper! I can't scroll!" It features four girls in colorful attire striking animated feminine poses. It's… exceedingly "moe".

"Don't just stand there."

"Uwa-" Natsuki grabs my arm and pulls me out of the closet. I didn't even realize we were in there. She then takes a seat against the wall, beneath the windowsills. She pats on the ground next to her, signaling me to sit there.

"Wouldn't chairs be more comfortable…? I mean, there's tons of empty ones." I take my seat.

"Chairs wouldn't work."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"We can't read at the same time like that."

"Yes we can! Pull the chairs together!"

Natsuki only gazes up at me expectantly, so I concede. "I guess it's easier to be close together like this…"

An intense blush suddenly reddens Natsuki's cheeks. "Line!" she yells, "D-Don't just say that! You'll make me feel weird about it!" Natsuki crosses her arms and scooches an inch away from me.

"Sorry…" I didn't exactly expect to be sitting this close to her, either… Not that I can say it's a particularly bad thing. Across the room, Sayori lets out a burp and excuses herself. I open the book. It's only a few seconds before Natsuki once again inches closer, reclaiming the additional space while she hopes I won't notice. I can feel her peering over my shoulder, much more eager to begin reading than I am. She takes a bite of my neck. I bleed profusely. But only from the one spot where her green tooth enters my jugular. It turns out her mouth is like a komodo dragon, filled with harmful bacteria. That's why the tooth is green and there's only one.

"Wow, how long has it been since I read the beginning?" Natsuki wonders after retracting her fang from my neck. Everything's blurry. Here I am at the hospital. Just imagine!

Fully recovered, I return to the classroom, where Natsuki still sits under the windowsill, my blood drying on her chin.

"Hm? You don't go back and flip through the older volumes every now and then?" I decide to put her assault behind me. I can't help it if she's just hungry.

"Not really. Maybe sometimes after I've already finished the series I guess. Hey, are you paying attention?"

"Uh… I am, but nothing's really happened yet, so I can talk at the same time. It looks like it's about a bunch of friends in high school. Typical slice-of-life affair. Guy joins a Literature Club… Meets four girls… I kind of grew out of these, since it's rare for the writing to be entertaining enough to make up for the lack of plot. So, I hate your book." Although something about what I described seems vaguely familiar. "So… what should I expect from this? Is there going to be plot?"

"Well, obviously!" Natsuki defends. "You think I would enjoy something that didn't have a plot? I mean… Well, I guess I know what you're saying… A lot of the beginning is about simple things… And the book doesn't really have a plot or anything… Like there's a really funny chapter where they're obsessed with a guy at the ice cream shop… But that just helps you get to know the characters! And besides, it's still entertaining. But later on, there's all kinds of drama… Like when they get into all their backstories, and when some of the romance starts to happen… That's really what makes it so good. There are so many touching parts." That piques my interest.

"Uh, please show me those?"

"Like here, there's a touch here, and a touch there…"

"Ah, is that so?"


End file.
